David - Ballpark Sheep (Freewrite)
I like the direction this poem is going in David. I like the flow of tension in the first 3 stanzas, using the alliteration to open up the poem was nice even if it was vague or nonsensical it does sound nice. The third stanza, as short as it is, held a lot of climactic power. Short, to the point, after describing what was going on in the second stanza. The fourth and fifth stanza however seem to be packed with a lot of language that is bumping heads. Specifically the line - "Abhorrent in the way that bathing in a pool of contraceptive will permutate flesh or." That's a lot to say without really making the point, or to me it wasn't made. I like the language, it is just a lot of it. I did like how you ended the poem though, 'properly perforate' - great. You're use of 'fuck' wasn't out of place... I'm still wary of using it, just as I was wary of using hyphens. I got passed that, who knows maybe next week I'll be swearing. Thanks for trailblazing David :P
Thanks for the input, man. I am not sure if I really am trailblazing or not--I often actually feel like I'm not making any headway in my poetry, but I always appreciate support, so I'll take it.
ReplyDeleteI am still a bit wary of swearing as well, despite using a swear word now. I'll keep working!